All the time and every time, I have to reschedule whenever someone needs help. I am not a good person, a freak, a crazy person. I am not someone will like to talk. There is many good reasons for calling me all those things. Sometimes I myself wonder that is it really that I am a not good enough person. I intend to believe that I am good person. I will keep doing that. If I stop believing that I am not a good enough person, I might not be able to exist in the world. My whole state of existence carries on the trust which I have on myself.

Coming to the topic today, I realize even though I am not a good enough person, people seem to rely on me for sometimes. Like I am considered as a fixer. I can fix the situation and can make a difference in the situation. Whenever I am in any situation mine or other people, I surprisingly become very competent. I am probably the person who become very impressed on their own work. I always live in my world. My world only rounds around me. There are very few things I am worried about. The reschedule thing is very little about me. It turns out that the people around me sometimes rely on me for their things. That is when I need to reschedule.

I was in my first year of my honours degree when I started counting that I am rescheduling for others. I do many tutoring jobs, because I needed money to go on my day’s work. I have to pay for my own travel cost and sometimes fees for my education. Most of the time buying books were on me as well. Even though I was too busy between tutoring and studying for myself, I was also doing things for my friends and family. I have done little less to my family that time and done a lot for friends, particularly one friend. Not that we are still friend, I am still doing it for people, friend or not friend doesn’t really matter.

I sometimes feel like I have been rescheduling to make my guilt go away. I should have done more for my family when there was plenty of time. I should have done more for myself when I was needed myself the most. I am sorry that I couldn’t go back to time and reverse my doing. I want to reschedule, if only I can. There are so many “If only”s in my life. I want to reschedule the time with my mother. I want to set things right which I have done wrongly. My things are not very scheduled. I dreamed a lot, I liked being in the dream. I planned to make my dreams a truth. That has never been possible in time. The dreams seem to reschedule a lot.

Moral of the story is, not only I reschedule things for others, but also the things in life reschedule themselves to make the time countable. I am not talking rescheduling only in terms of works or helping or being with others, I am talking so many things to get rescheduled. I hope my death reschedule too, not and never comes when it is supposed to come.

Published by Tahmina Mili

I am a dreamer. Always dream to have a new and beautiful life. I always try to live happily ever after. There are no bad vibes in me. To me, the world is the most beautiful and honest place to live in. "The bad is not bad until we make it bad" and "Smile is the beauty of life", are two of my most favorite sentences of all time. I live believing in them. I am proud to be me and love being me all the time.

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