Reschedule

All the time and every time, I have to reschedule whenever someone needs help. I am not a good person, a freak, a crazy person. I am not someone will like to talk. There is many good reasons for calling me all those things. Sometimes I myself wonder that is it really that I am a not good enough person. I intend to believe that I am good person. I will keep doing that. If I stop believing that I am not a good enough person, I might not be able to exist in the world. My whole state of existence carries on the trust which I have on myself.

Coming to the topic today, I realize even though I am not a good enough person, people seem to rely on me for sometimes. Like I am considered as a fixer. I can fix the situation and can make a difference in the situation. Whenever I am in any situation mine or other people, I surprisingly become very competent. I am probably the person who become very impressed on their own work. I always live in my world. My world only rounds around me. There are very few things I am worried about. The reschedule thing is very little about me. It turns out that the people around me sometimes rely on me for their things. That is when I need to reschedule.

I was in my first year of my honours degree when I started counting that I am rescheduling for others. I do many tutoring jobs, because I needed money to go on my day’s work. I have to pay for my own travel cost and sometimes fees for my education. Most of the time buying books were on me as well. Even though I was too busy between tutoring and studying for myself, I was also doing things for my friends and family. I have done little less to my family that time and done a lot for friends, particularly one friend. Not that we are still friend, I am still doing it for people, friend or not friend doesn’t really matter.

I sometimes feel like I have been rescheduling to make my guilt go away. I should have done more for my family when there was plenty of time. I should have done more for myself when I was needed myself the most. I am sorry that I couldn’t go back to time and reverse my doing. I want to reschedule, if only I can. There are so many “If only”s in my life. I want to reschedule the time with my mother. I want to set things right which I have done wrongly. My things are not very scheduled. I dreamed a lot, I liked being in the dream. I planned to make my dreams a truth. That has never been possible in time. The dreams seem to reschedule a lot.

Moral of the story is, not only I reschedule things for others, but also the things in life reschedule themselves to make the time countable. I am not talking rescheduling only in terms of works or helping or being with others, I am talking so many things to get rescheduled. I hope my death reschedule too, not and never comes when it is supposed to come.